I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
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Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
