I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
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Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
In space, no one can hear…
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Simple
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
