Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

The fall of Netflix

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?

me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts

IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?

me: well, where to begin…

“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.