Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?

Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-

Them: Oh Jesus

Me: -the portable hat!

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.