Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*

Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*

origin story of all Disney villains:

“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.