Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

Always a metermaid never a meter

[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

this is not a scam

DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.