Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

i did the math

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

Golf would be better with landmines.

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.