Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

Get in loser, we’re going overthinking

i’m sure it’s fine

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good