I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
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one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
