I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
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My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
How about daylight saves us for once
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !