Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!

Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.

Her:

Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?

[My first day as an architecture major]

*raises hand*

When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

How it started How it’s going

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?

How I Met Your Mothra!

…No, YOU shut up.

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

[late to work]

boss: well ??

me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

4yo: fold me like a towel

Me: what?

4yo: FOLD ME

Me: okaaay

4yo: stack me on top of the towels

Me: what?

4yo: STACK ME

Parenthood is wild

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *