I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
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as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
At ease
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
The Weeknd is back
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.