I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
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4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.