Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

[eats all your cotton candy]

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup