Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

This was the best day of my life

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.