I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
