I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
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Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
listen closely
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room