I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
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The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
playing pool? you mean swimming?
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
If only.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands