I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
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Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night