I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played