I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
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me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Cake safety first. Always.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it