I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
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Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
My current situation
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
no one likes gloating
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”