I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

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Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.


I’m at my most pacman when I try and get to the snack table at a party without interacting with a single person.


Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.


Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.


Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”


A cool fun way to stop his snoring so you can finally get some sleep is to separate the head from the body.


If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him


She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups