Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
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[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot