@wildethingy

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

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@PeterKlesken

Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

@pinupteacher

I’m at my most pacman when I try and get to the snack table at a party without interacting with a single person.

@daddydoubts

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

@Ivsy01

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

@VodkaShorebird

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

@NikiWithIssues

A cool fun way to stop his snoring so you can finally get some sleep is to separate the head from the body.

@AndrewChamings

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

@LoveNLunchmeat

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups