@IwanWil

I’m getting really good at this parenting thing. I just secretly ate 3 oreos while my kids were in the same room.

You Might Also Like

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

@thatUPSdude

My friend told me his wife talks a lot in her sleep

“I know” was probably not the right answer

@carterhambley

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

@thenatewolf

“You are terrible at metaphors.”

“Wow. Jealousy is a bad moustache on you.”

@LostFelicia

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

@SirEviscerate

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

@_elvishpresley_

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

@ThugRaccoons

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

@ThugRaccoons

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL