Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I’m getting really good at this parenting thing. I just secretly ate 3 oreos while my kids were in the same room.
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My friend told me his wife talks a lot in her sleep
“I know” was probably not the right answer
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
“You are terrible at metaphors.”
“Wow. Jealousy is a bad moustache on you.”
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
why they heating my vaccine up on a spoon
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL