I’m getting really good at this parenting thing. I just secretly ate 3 oreos while my kids were in the same room.

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My 8 yr old son just told me Nutella is a delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

He’s ready for Twitter.


so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription


My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.


Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.


Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.


*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest


Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.


HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*


There’s nothing more pathetic than asking a random woman if she’ll sleep with you unless it works because then you’re a genius.