I’m getting really good at this parenting thing. I just secretly ate 3 oreos while my kids were in the same room.

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Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?


My friend told me his wife talks a lot in her sleep

“I know” was probably not the right answer


“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed


“You are terrible at metaphors.”

“Wow. Jealousy is a bad moustache on you.”


To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.


ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no


[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns


*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*


Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL