@IwanWil

I’m getting really good at this parenting thing. I just secretly ate 3 oreos while my kids were in the same room.

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@gm_cage

My 8 yr old son just told me Nutella is a delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

He’s ready for Twitter.

@gIitering

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

@ericsshadow

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

@behindyourback

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

@MaybePileJokes

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

@TheAlexNevil

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

@AshleyFrankly

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

@KalvinMacleod

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

@just1fool

There’s nothing more pathetic than asking a random woman if she’ll sleep with you unless it works because then you’re a genius.