Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
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[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there