I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
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Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
japanese corn
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.