Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

Spell check is for lasers.

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.