im getting some exciting spam emails lately
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How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Seas the day!!!!
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.