im getting some exciting spam emails lately
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Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.