im getting some exciting spam emails lately
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It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?