im getting some exciting spam emails lately
You Might Also Like
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.