I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
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I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
my retirement plan is braless
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.