I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
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If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.
The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:
The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.
Me: OK
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.