I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
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Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses