Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

😂

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.