I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
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Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.