Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it