I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
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My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.