I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
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Hmm 🧐
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Gross if literal…Liverpool
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.