Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

Green is just blue that someone peed in

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.