I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
You Might Also Like
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
me in a relationship:
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I saw nothing
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I feel seen.
