I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
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Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.