I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
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MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
If you know, you know 😂🚔
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.