Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.

P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit