I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
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To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
