I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
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[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
S M O L
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber