I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
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My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.