I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
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Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*