Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

Social Media and Real life

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*