I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
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[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.