I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
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They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
My kitchen overserved me.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.