I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
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Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
synchronized noseblowing
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?