Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

who wore it better?

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

shut up and take my money

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys