I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
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What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.