I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
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My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
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At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
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[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
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*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.