I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
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“i am a sweet baby”
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
“HELP WITH CAT”
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.