I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
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Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Voting for coroner
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator