I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
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Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Jokes on them. I took 10.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Friday night party time 🥳
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary