I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
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mechanics be like
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.