I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
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Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically