I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
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I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?