I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
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“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat