I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
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[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back