I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
You Might Also Like
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I missed you with all my darts
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
edward fingerhands