Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

When I snag the last meatball.

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

The fall of Netflix

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.