[stargazing with my daughter]
Daughter: dada where’s Orion’s Belt?
Me: it’s probably on Orion’s Pants lol.
Daughter: this is why I have a C in science.
I’m giving up eating food off the floor for Lent
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how would water even break? it’s a liquid. im not sure i want to have a baby with a liar sharon
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it’s a round granola bar.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl
Mr. Buffalo: And a boy
Me: So, I guess you could say he’s your…
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious