I’m giving up eating food off the floor for Lent

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[stargazing with my daughter]

Daughter: dada where’s Orion’s Belt?

Me: it’s probably on Orion’s Pants lol.



Daughter: this is why I have a C in science.


how would water even break? it’s a liquid. im not sure i want to have a baby with a liar sharon


ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and


Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?


please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it’s a round granola bar.


Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”


Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl


Mr. Buffalo: And a boy

Me: So, I guess you could say he’s your…



The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”


me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious