@Sean_Burgundy_

I’m giving up eating food off the floor for Lent

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@NewDadNotes

[stargazing with my daughter]

Daughter: dada where’s Orion’s Belt?

Me: it’s probably on Orion’s Pants lol.

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter: this is why I have a C in science.

@rudy_mustang

how would water even break? it’s a liquid. im not sure i want to have a baby with a liar sharon

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

@timdonakowski

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

@Kauaibride

please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it’s a round granola bar.

@ramblinma

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

@RobElliottComic

Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl

Me: SWEET!

Mr. Buffalo: And a boy

Me: So, I guess you could say he’s your…

Bi-son

@JD_KC

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

@pilau

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious