Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
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*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions