I’m giving up for Lent.
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Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
marvel comics have peaked
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no