I’m giving up for Lent.
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SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
neighborhood watch
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions