I’m giving up for Lent.
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I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Science memes
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
they see me scrollin
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache