I’m giving up for Lent.
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I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Drilling for oil is well boring.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I am putting on so many clothes
*cold weather sext
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each