I’m giving up for Lent.
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My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.