I’m giving up for Lent.
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Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet