I’m giving up for Lent.
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Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
What the dentist sees
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
There’s no “us” in nachos.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”