I’m giving up for Lent.
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I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
Day 2 of my diet
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me