Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand