I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
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Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
lmao😭🤣
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number