I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
You Might Also Like
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
All set.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
This is me 🤣🤣
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
here we go again
