Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

is frankincense just very honest incense?

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?

Fake Gnus

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce