“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
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Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I told my vodka about you.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
me, too, girl. me, too.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
🤣🤣
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”