“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
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One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…
3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisibleWhy you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…
3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?